Tag Archives: dear abby

Even Dear Abby has limits. Sort of.

But she can’t explain them.  At all.

I remember a column a few years back when Abby did some quick math and informed a girl that if she kept acquiring sexual partners at her current rate, then by the time she was 25 she will have had sex with 100 different men.  Abby thought that was too many, but was a little sheepish in saying so.  And I know why.

Now I think that most rational people would agree that 100 sex partners is too many for a lifetime, let alone a 25 year old. 

Unfortunately, while Abby knew that 100 was too high she didn’t elaborate on what the proper limit was.  Abby certainly wasn’t limiting it to 1 partner — only one of those crazy right wing domestic terrorist Bible thumping abstinence promoting Christian freaks would suggest that. 

But what is the proper limit?  Probably not 2, or 3.  Is it 90? 80? 50?

Hey Abby and other Planned Parenthood types who don’t think the ideal is just one: What is the limit, and why is that the limit?  If not 1, then why not 100? 

Here are a few reasons you should not use:

  • Diseases — everyone knows they go up dramatically as you add partners, but they increase a bunch when you go from 1 to 2 as well.  If 100 partners is bad because of the risk of disease, then so is 2.  And the risk doesn’t increase that much when you go from 99 to 100.
  • Emotional attachment — again, if 100 would impact your ability to attach emotionally then so will 2.
  • Pregnancy — having sex 1 time with 100 different people is no more likely to result in pregnancy than 100 times with 1 person.  And we know that if you just do what Planned Parenthood says then you are very, very unlikely to get pregnant, right?!

In short, you need to explain why there would be a specific limit other than 1.

Theological Liberals should also explain why breaking God’s laws for human sexuality is acceptable before marriage, and why if your partner breaks them before the marriage you can still trust that he/she will follow them afterwards. 

I’m sticking with a target of 1 per person per life — other than death of a spouse or a biblical divorce (e.g., abandonment or adultery by your spouse).  I’ve got a bunch of reasons for why that is the ideal — no risk of diseases, built-in male and female parents if you have kids (go figure, and what a convenience!), less stress, more confidence in your relationship, it is the loving thing to do for your spouse, obeying what God says, and so much more.

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Another bad bit of reasoning by Dear Abby: She doesn’t recommend Crisis Pregnancy Centers because they “might” show pictures of abortions (I am not aware of centers which show pictures of abortions, but it may be possible.  CareNet pregnancy centers do not maintain any such images nor do they show them to clients).  And CPCs do a wide variety of amazing things to help women in their time of need. 

So Abby basically says that showing the picture of an abortion is so bad that because someone might do it you should ignore the great things they offer women, but the abortion itself is morally acceptable.  Everybody got that?

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When you deny the obvious ideal of one man, one woman marriages for life and you ignore the scientific fact that life begins at conception, then you end up trying to support all sorts of bizarre and illogical ideas.  It must be exhausting propping up such a worldview.

Of course many people break these commands of God.  Jesus even noted that lust was akin to adultery, which pretty much convicts us all many times over.  The good news is that forgiveness is possible.  But in the mean time, what ideal are we aiming at?  The consequences are serious.  Countless ills of society can be traced to sexual sin and the breakdown of the family.  And people like Dear Abby are not helping.

Well, duh.

newsI have always found advice columns to be interesting.  I typically prefer Carolyn Hax to Dear “just to be on the safe side, you better get divorced” Abby.

Part of a recent letter was interesting.  The part in bold warranted the title of the post.

I’m in a relationship phase that always makes me feel nuts. It’s the space between “being together” and not. One aspect is that the fling started more on the physical end than the, “Wow, you have really good morals and we like the same Chinese restaurant” approach. The similar interests, humor and understanding our compatibility came second.

It’s been about a month and it’s understood that we’re exclusive, but I don’t know how to take those steps to feeling secure in what we have without leaving tampons and a toothbrush over there to nudge us in the direction I want to go. He’s generally not much of a question-asker about my life and history, and so our emotional intimacy is less than what I want, mostly because my last relationship ended horribly and I’m hesitant to really share myself until I know I’m in something for real.

Not to pigeonhole men, but I think, as a guy, he’s pretty content with hanging out, sleeping together, eating out, playing guitar and having fun without worrying whether I’m his “girlfriend.” Yet here I am, over-analyzing, feeling a little nuts, but not wanting to show that, lest he run for the hills. Help me out here.

So let’s see: You don’t really know the guy that well, but you are already sleeping with him and are looking for more commitment.  Let’s just say you have things completely backwards.

I wish the writer would read how women who have multiple sexual partners damage their ability to bond with a future partner due to low oxytocin levels.  I also wish they would teach this in schools as part of truly comprehensive sex education that includes the horrors of abortion, the (un)likelihood that guys will stick around after having sex with you, the fact that if you finish high school and don’t have sex outside of marriage that it is virtually impossible that you’ll be poor, etc.  (The Liberal version of “comprehensive” is basically passing out condoms with a wink-wink theme that says, “Don’t have sex until you’re ready (and you’re ready whenever you want to be ready)”.)