How do you know if you have a commitment?

wedding-rings2.jpgIf you are married, you have a commitment.  (Not engaged-to-be-engaged, not engaged, but married).

If you are not married, you don’t have a commitment.

If you don’t have a commitment, don’t have sex or even foreplay (because its purpose is to lead to sex).  

14 thoughts on “How do you know if you have a commitment?”

  1. Easy to say. Very difficult to put into practice, especially if you are in your late teens. Most kids, even very religious ones, find it very difficult not to “explore” their sexuality; even with constant talks and perfect parenting.

    What you say is correct, there is no denying that. However, as parents we must be prepared for the reality that your kids will probably be sexually active, even if its only foreplay, before getting married and/or leaving our homes.

    Neil said: Yes, the temptations are definitely there and many will give in. But I’ve seen too many parents give up and quit teaching the right message. Sometimes it is as simple as taking away the easy rationalizations such as, “But he loves me.” (Really? Then he’ll have your long term best interests at heart and would want you to stay pure.)


  2. Interesting timing. Last night at dinner, a friend told us that she found out her daughter (a senior in high school) had sex last spring. She reasoned that it was ok, because the daughter had known the boy for about a year.

    I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that she took it that easily and I even more couldn’t believe that she admitted all of this to us.

    I guess it takes all kinds…


  3. Of course, I disagree. One has a commitment as long as one remains deliberately, overtly, consciously committed. Which has nothing to do with marriage. One can be married and not be committed, obviously.

    When one is married, one has taken a big step toward trapping oneself in a commitment, that’s all. … Oh, and met society’s insistent for a contract, and the church’s insistent on a ceremony.

    I am all for marriage, BTW.


  4. “Of course, I disagree. One has a commitment as long as one remains deliberately, overtly, consciously committed. Which has nothing to do with marriage. One can be married and not be committed, obviously”

    I don’t see how conscious commitment “has nothing to do with marriage.” If you make the conscious choice to get married, which is a both legal and Godly commitment, then you have, yourself, made a conscious commitment (I’m sure there’s a more eloquent way of putting that, but I’m awefully tired). Whether or not someone chooses to honor the commitment of marriage, it is still a commitment.

    Anyway, good post Neil. Far too many people rely on the “if you love someone, it’s okay” reasoning. I pray everyday that God will guide my wife and I in instilling in our son the importance of abstaining until marriage.


  5. I agree that if you are not married, you don’t have a committment.

    However, it does appear that you can have a marriage without a committment. I am wondering; if you don’t have a committment do you really have a marriage?

    I was prepared for the possibility that may children might have sex before marriage, but I never considered it probable. I managed to abstain and expected my children to do the same. And in fact, I do know some young people who are committed to abstinance.


  6. titus2woman, you can “refuse” to settle for that reality, but we as parents (I am, too) must be prepared for it anyway. I’m in not way saying that we should give up and just let it happen. However, even with constant talks and a loving relationship with our kids, the “want” is still there – and many (most) kids give in to it.

    All we parents can do is prepare our children the best we know how and load them with knowledge and information about our own experiences.


  7. Mark, I agree with what you are saying *completely*. Maybe the wording is better for me, I don’t know! I don’t expect it to be easy, however I don’t just accept that they WILL DEFINITELY be intimate before marriage. (((((HUGS))))) sandi


  8. Hi Mark,

    I choose not to lower my expectations for my child. I reject your reality and fortunately, remaining pure until marriage is a value that is instilled in our child from the Word of God. Can it be difficult? Sure, but many things are worth the wait.


  9. I have two daughters. The oldest is shocked that most of her friends (even Christians) did not stay pure until marriage. She is happily married (2+ years).

    My younger daughter followed a different path. Despite my teachings (maybe in spite?), she chose to live with a young man without the benefit of marriage. She planned to get married, but just never got around to it. After about a year together, she became pregnant. Information I received showed that she had been trying for a few months.

    She decided to get married when she was about 4 months along. She was adamant that people believe she was not doing this because she was pregnant. If she felt they did, she would put off the wedding until after the baby was born.

    Her family income is well below my other daughter’s family income and she has had to make several adjustments. They have some pretty difficult financial problems in making things work. This is the path she has taken.

    I have a wonderful grandson and I help her out when it is appropriate. I’m still not sure she has what Neil has described as “commitment”. I pray for them regularly.


  10. It’s funny. I am not so far out of my teen years that I cannot remember them. The simple fact is that it really isn’t all that “difficult” to abstain. While my husband and I got things backwards, we did that well into our twenties, not our teens years.


  11. “The oldest is shocked that most of her friends (even Christians) did not stay pure until marriage.”

    My wife recounted the story to me about her friend who claimed to be a virgin, only to later reveal that to keep her boyfriends happy she…well….let’s say serviced them in other ways. But I think you think think about virginity in that kind of way, you are kind of missing the point about purity and substituting penetration instead.

    Hope I kept that PG-13.


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